While I previously queued my blog calendar to share my favorite places for foodies in Naples, Florida, talking culinary doesn’t seem appropriate with all I’ve been going through emotionally in the past month. For sure, I’ll be saving the rest of my snowbird adventures for a future date.
A 12 year relationship comes to an end
Instead I want to tell you about what’s been going on in my personal life. As a writer, I find verbalizing my experiences helps me process my loss. That’s why dear readers, I want to let you know that last week, after 12 good years together, my boyfriend L and I officially parted ways.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, that was difficult to say. Ooh, ooh, ooh, I’m glad it’s out there now. Ooh, ooh, ooh, telling you is a next step in letting go.
“He is such a genuine guy,” said a friend. “You two were so good together,” said my hairdresser. (Doesn’t your hairdresser know your deepest secrets? Remember “Shampoo” with Warren Beatty?) “I’m shocked, can’t you talk about things and make it work. It’s 12 years, that’s a long time,” said a family member.
Like the sun going down at day’s end, my 12 year relationship with my boyfriend L is setting
A positive relationship for the season it was
I won’t go into the nitty gritty details. Let’s suffice to say that it wasn’t an easy breakup. We never had a fight or argument in our 12 years, except for six weeks ago. I finally voiced my wants and decided I was no longer willing to compromise my happiness.
L didn’t understand why I had changed. In his view, I was the one who didn’t understand and was resentful. He angrily shut the car door in my face and told me “this relationship needs a break.” His silence over April spoke volumes. He had blamed me for our demise in our final communications that early spring day. His unwillingness to talk or make any changes to keep our lives together sent a clear signal. Perhaps I could have been more responsive than reactive. Nevertheless, I’ll never know and never get a second chance.
After our first real argument in 12 years, my boyfriend L silently walked away from our relationship
While how things ended is sad and disappointing, our 12 years together was not. That Monday afternoon in April 2009 when L came into the Starbucks and introduced himself changed my life. He showed me (or maybe I proved to myself) that at fifty-something — after a 24 year marriage and after grieving the deep loss of my spouse — I could find love again. He became my boyfriend for the next dozen years and our ongoing joke became how lucky we were to have found each other at this juncture of our lives. L and I were good partners for a very long time, longer than many common marriages.
Getting older changes your outlook
However, circumstances and experience changed me. I turned 60 and got bladder cancer twice – thankfully I’m in remission now. I lost my two sister-in-laws in 2019 and 2020 (who were both in their 70s when they died). In 2020 and into 2021, we all went through a Covid-19 pandemic, the likes no one had ever seen. The losses we faced to our everyday life, and continue to face, are insurmountable. Life may never be the same.
Through my therapy sessions, my mindfulness and yoga practice, and years of deep introspection during my life after 50, I better understand what brings me joy. After working for 30+ years to support my family, after saving my hard earned dollars to retire early from my full-time career, after battling my own cancer and coming out on the other side, I want to live each moment to the fullest. There is no time to wait. I believe that every day deserves to be my best because I never know if it may be my last.
This is the card I pulled today from my Super Attractor deck by author Gabrielle Bernstein
When two people’s priorities are different
Most recently, it became clear that L and I have different priorities for the near future and maybe long-term as well. During my life after 50 and now after 60, I’ve learned that when two people’s priorities don’t mesh it doesn’t make for a positive relationship. When lack of acceptance for the other person’s priorities turns into resentment and resistance, it creates an unhealthy environment for both.
With joy as my mantra and my 2021 word being “COMPASSION,” I have definitive ideas on what I want and need for myself going forward. It’s time to put my needs first and to show myself some compassion.
Wow-o-wow, I can’t believe I said that! BTW that doesn’t mean I’m going to be selfish, I don’t think I have a selfish bone in my body. It also doesn’t mean I won’t be compassionate toward others. I even brought L’s stuff to his house after he treated me so poorly these weeks. Of course, I was worried about him despite his not showing worry for my feelings. Friends said I should have left his things on my doorstep and asked him to pick them up.
How positive do you feel about saying the following things?
Dr. Deepak Chopra says that “the deeper state of awareness, the more you will know your true self.” He says to ask yourself: “How positive do you feel about saying the following things?
♥ I am lovable.
♥ I am safe.
♥ I am fully supported.
♥ I find joy in my life.
♥ I am in touch with my soul.
I’m not all the way to a 10 in each of these areas, but I’m getting closer. My path to the soul may take an eternity. (If you’re not participating in the free 21-Day Meditation Experience “Activating the Divine Feminine: The Path to Wholeness with Alicia Keys and Deepak Chopra, M.D., I encourage you to listen.)
Breaking up isn’t easy
For now, I’m taking things one day at a time as I process another big loss in my life. Breaking up with a person you love isn’t easy. I don’t know where my next transition after 60 will take me. Fourteen years ago when my husband M died, my biggest fear was being alone. Today, I like my own company. I love my family – my daughter A and my son D and my extended family too. I’m grateful for my friends IRL and those who are part of my blog community. I appreciate everyone’s support as I continue through my “Third Act.”
In time I’ll know more clearly which direction I’ll be taking for for my next transition post 60
Becoming whole later in life
Jane Fonda in her book Prime Time (which was published almost 10 years ago and which I dusted off my bookshelf this afternoon to reread), says that after she divorced her third husband Ted Turner at 62 — “The very thought of going it alone had always filled her with profound dread.” She told herself: “Jane, you know what’s right. This is your life. You can die married and safe, sure, but you won’t die whole, and you’ll regret it.”
Jane goes on to say: “I am grateful that this feeling of becoming whole occurred later in life, when I could experience it consciously. Now that we’re living longer, being a late bloomer has a lot of advantages. Maybe some people are intact spirits from the beginning, and maybe it happens to others in early life. But it’s glorious to be at an age when you are aware that it’s happening, that you worked for it, and that you’re on the right path. For the first time as an adult, I was without a man in my life yet feel whole, rather than like a half a person, waiting to be completed.”
I have always looked up to Jane Fonda. Like Audrey Hepburn, Jane has been one of my Hollywood idols. Lord knows her life didn’t end when she went solo without a man by her side. Look at her now at 80. She’s the stronger of the twosome in Grace and Frankie, and simply an amazing woman.
To Jane at 80, and to Judi in her 60s — you go girls! You go!
Judi
P.S.: How have you changed during your “Third Act?” Leave a comment. I’d like to know.
I’m so sorry. And a big hurrah for you for speaking up for yourself. I have had similar experiences/awarenesses. Coming to that place of finding ourselves and comfort with being our own best partner is sometimes a struggle. Sounds like you made the right decision; it’s a shame that society pushes the notion that women are incomplete without a man.
Thanks Walker. It’s such a big decision to make a bold move, but I know what I need now during this part of my life. And our priorities are different.
Thank you Judi for this life share.
At 70, I just ended (well, he did, but I am grateful) an 11 year relationship.
I am relieved as I have default codependent tendencies (Alanon for 15 years). He is an general contractor and business has been down for 2+ years here. When I thought about ending the relationship I felt bad for him as I own my home. All the wrong reasons not to be happy.
15 years ago I ended a 37 year marriage at 55. I met this man at 59 and he went out of his way to “court” me, when he moved in after 2 years of dating – all the romantic behavior stopped. Then his resentments grew about many things – then pandemic came. . .
I am SO grateful to be single as I love my life routines, yoga friends, Alanon meetings, good friends, solo travel, a 9lb Dachshund and a cat that love me unconditionally
Colleen, sounds like you have your life together at 70. So happy for you. Keep thriving and be well.
Sorry to hear about your breakup, Judi, but it sounds like you did the right thing for you. All the best as you live your Third Act!
Thanks Allison. I appreciate your support.
Change. Not easy at any time and especially at the critical junctures of our lives. You have just passed through one of the most critical. And emerged. LIFE and its possibilities are before you. Go out and enjoy them!
Diane, thank you for your support. You are so right, change is not easy at this age. But the heart leads.
I’m so sorry to hear of your breakup. It’s been a long haul. OTOH, I’m thrilled that you are able to finally see yourself as an independent, caring woman who is content to stand in her own shoes and be seen as same. I send my love,
Naomi, I so appreciate your comment. It was a difficult breakup but I know it is the right place for both of us in this moment.
Hang in there. I know it’s sad and disappointing. You have a wonderful support system. I’ve been without a partner for 6 years come July-
I’m retired now and enjoying my own company.
Julie, sounds like you are a strong woman too. Glad to know that we can find happiness without a partner.
Judi
I’m sorry you and L had to part ways. No matter the circumstances, it’s tough ending a long-term relationship. But you’re strong and mighty, and the next phase of your life will be better for your time together and things you’ve learned. Wishing you blessings as you move forward.
Thank you Pam. There’s a big loss ending a relationship that was good for so long. But now I must process the loss and move on with my life.
The break-up is quite painful now, but as Polonius said to Laertes, “To thine own self be true.” Polonius was giving advice to his young son, but I think, arguably, it is even more important for those us in our 60s. L wasn’t even willing to discuss meeting you half way. As we know, life is too short to spend it feeling resentful which I think would have been inevitable for you. Stay in touch with your feelings. There was a certain point in my life when I had an epiphany that I’d be OK as long as I was there—that my relationship with myself was the only indispensable one.
Now that the pandemic strictures are being lifted, there will be more opportunities to be out and about with and without friends.
Suzanne, I’m realizing that at 60+ life is too short to spent it being resentful. It’s not fair to me or to the other person. We either compromise or we go it alone. I chose the later. And so did he.
Thank you for writing this piece. An abrupt breakup now a year ago. We were together 14 years. I’m 67 now. Life is too short. I’ll never be happy in that relationship again. The person I miss no longer exists, it’s the memory of the good pieces, not the reality. All these comments help, as it’s coming up to one year when this went down. I was 53. Divorced. Can relate to this article and your story. Been exploring and trying new things, new ways of thinking about my life.
Elizabeth, sounds like you’ll find your way and it will be better. Good luck and glad you found my post helpful.
Thanks Elizabeth for your post I was contemplating this for my life at now age 68 and not sure if I am just too understanding of other peoples needs instead of my own Your courage to move on after 14 years was and is enlightening I was married for 28 years and then this relationship of 12 years is just not getting better without proper communication and decisions that need to be made for our future . I don’t like sweeping things under the rug and hope it will go away and that’s where we are I’m in this relationship., also the only one that ever initiates real talk discussions. I’m not sure if he understands the legal ramifications and responsibilities that will be even more devastating for me and his family if not communicated plus I don’t see any growth for our relationship since Covid so I’m not sure what’s going on and I can’t figure it out by myself which isn’t . I need clarity and commitment and availability for not only my feelings but his as well I really like being in a relationship but one that satisfies the need of both people.I would do this again but again coming out of a divorce and being vulnerable is different from having the experience without marriage and may the rose colored glasses just became clearer Thanks for taking the time to read this but again you are so inspiring to why I need to make this somewhat scary but needed decision
So glad my words were helpful to you. You will make the decision that is right for you now. Good luck.
Hi Judi – I’d just like to comment that I was so moved by this blog post. I appreciate your sharing your experience and reflections upon this significant transition in your life. I really look forward to your posts and was especially moved by this one. All the best to you during this transition. I have four young adult children and remind them that it is during periods of painful transition that we learn the most about ourselves and those around us. Your post reminded me of this. Take care.
Margaret, I so appreciate your comment. It’s readers like you that make me want to share my life and my stories. Please know that I your readership is something I cherish.
So sorry to hear about this, Judi, as I am sure it has been painful. But you sound so strong and healthy, and I know you will be stronger and healthier with each day.
Thanks Peggy. I will move on. It will take time to process this loss. I learned after losing my husband and more recently losing my two sister-in-laws, that grief isn’t something you can’t speed up. As you say, one day at a time.
This post really struck a cord with my readers. I want to tell you all, whether you emailed me or posted your comment on this page, that I read every word and so appreciate your support and advice. It’s because of you that I continue to blog all these years. My virtual community held me up after the loss of my husband many years ago and you have shown that you will do the same now after my breakup. So I’m sending virtual hugs out to you all.
Reader L said: “Your amazing!”
Reader W said: “Your amazing!”
Reader S said: “Your recent blog post about your breakup blew me away with its courageous honesty and self reflection. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing this deeply intimate life change with your readers. Yay you!”
Reader A said: “ Sorry to hear about the parting of the ways. During the ups and downs in my life I always followed the phrase ” When life hands you lemons make lemonade. It has worked for me.”
Reader S said: “ I am thinking of you and hope this next chapter is one of the best ones yet.”
Reader L said: “Thanks for sharing this courageous post and your thoughts. I hung on every word and wish you all the best. You inspire me!”
Thirty years ago I broke up a one-year relationahip with a man I was crazy about…But, there were a couple of red flags and finally I decided to acknowledge theseand move on. He continued to call and leave messages for a full year, (I did not take any of his calls.) During that year I worked reletlesly on ME and exactly what it was that I wanted in a relationship and the next phases of my life. That year I changed myself and finally cemented the foundation for the woman I knew I wanted to be. I grew spiritually, emotionally and expanded my confidence in the ability to love and be loved.
At the end of that year, he left a message that spoke from his heart. His year had been one of self-exploration as well. I returned that call, because I felt his growth needed to be acknowledged. The rest is history – we have been together now for 30 years, 22 of which married. Sometimes the most hearbreaking situations can produce the most profound personal growth. After following your blog for eight years and seeing your personal advancements, I have full confidence that you will emerge with an expanded self awareness, a new view of love…the love you receive and the love you share, and be a more evolved woman..
thank you so much, Judi for sharing your deepest feelings with all of us. xoxo
Kate, first, thanks so much for being part of my blog community for so many years. I cherish your friendship. It’s good to know that people grow apart and then can grow together. I hope L will grow as well. I know I have and continue to evolve. I wish I knew what he was thinking, but perhaps I’ll never know. All I do know is that for now our priorities are different. It’s a big loss that I have to process which will take time.
I was sitting here today after a particularly emotional day seven months after losing my husband to a horrible Neurological disease. He was the love of my life although he and we were not perfect. I miss him every day and although I got married at 34 it feels like forever since I’ve been alone. In August both my daughters will be going to college a few hours from home. I want them to, this is their time. But when I’m alone I feel lonely. On paper it looks like I’m doing everything right. I cry when I need to. I find solace with my friends. I love my job and work out regularly. And I say yes to every invitation. But the aching and the pain never goes away. At first my pain was for him and what he lost and what he won’t be a part of. Wondering what he was thinking, what I didn’t say and what I missed. Now I just feel sorry for myself. When I take out the garbage I remember that he’s not here to help me out. When I get home from work I know he’s not going to bounce through the door and cheer me up.Many friends I thought we had stopped calling. And many friends I didn’t know loved me Have been there for me. And yet the loneliness continues. I know in my head I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. I want to teach my kids that life goes on and that death is a normal part of it. Everyone tells me that time will heal at least some of it. Some days it’s almost impossible to go on.
There are so many things I’d like to do and that I want to do but the grief is paralyzing. I admire that you were able to get through it with Grace.Thank you for the post.
Aimee, you are in the early stages of grief and yes it will take time. I definitely found support by seeing a good therapist who helped me work through my loneliness and my transition. I also found mindfulness meditation and yoga to be extremely gratifying because it encourages me to be in the present moment. It’s a challenging practice that indeed requires practice. I wish you much compassion and love as you navigate this period of your life. Be gentle on yourself. I’m confident you will come out of these challenging times a different person for sure and have gratitude for all the great years you had together with your husband. Be well.
Judi,, I wish I could meet you and you could push me into doing what you did. I have no joy around him and he wants a new future also, but I can’t let go..I need to grow up at 61!
Elaine, it’s a tough decision and then you have to deal with the consequences. You’ll know when the time is right. Good luck!
I had an all out enlightenment, awakening, self awareness experience last year at age 58, and the result is that I realize my boyfriend of ten years and I are not on the same page. In all honesty, we never really were. We just bonded on certain aspects of who we were at the time, mostly childhood trauma, divorce, and feelings of inadequacy. Those are not great things to build on, especially when one or both come into their own and realize life is filled with unlimited possibilities! We started to fight, and I don’t mean a little, last year when he became embedded in politics whereas I’m a moderate Independent. That was the nail in the coffin. He wants to rekindle things, but I’ve been living alone now for almost a year, and like you, I enjoy my alone time, my career, my family and spending time with my cat. It just isn’t worth it to stick it out under the same roof with someone who loses his cool at random and makes me feel lesser. I believe we reside on various frequencies, none right and none wrong, just different, and I’d rather be with someone who’s on my wavelength or no one at all. Thank you for sharing your story! It helps to know we are not alone.
Ellie, glad you found my story relatable and that you are in control of your future. Be well.
So interesting and helpful. I just happened on this page. My break-up of 15 years ended recently and the processing will surely be ongoing. Why it took 15 years I don’t know but breaking up is hard. I’m 75, lost my beloved husband 24 years ago and am now on an upward climb with a successful writing career, deep friendships and interesting pursuits. The next phase/chapter will be fulfilling in ways I have yet to imagine. It is one day at a time, with layers unraveling and even the roller coaster but I’m determined and strong. Thanks for your insightful post.
Lynne,
So glad to have you as part of the community. Sorry for your loss. Life is a journey with ups and downs. Good luck.
Thank you for making me feel not totally alone and lost. My senior 77 year old manfriend relationship of 5 years was wonderful, handsome but has become critical and unpredictable leading to an end. I am 82 and struggle with hearing loss. My grown daughter has declared she doesn’t want to see me when she comes to her property in Fla where I live. Her daughter now lives in Italy. and will not respond at all to me. I have a service dog for hearing and I’m trying to be strong but need some help with coping.
Karen, I’m sorry for your situation, but glad my prose helped. You are a strong and brave woman and will persevere through these difficult times.