As I sat alone at the dinner table last night, I thought about what it would be like if my late husband were still here to sit opposite me. We would have been a true twosome in an empty nest. Something we had been planning for once our son and daughter were officially out of the house. And now, I sat alone at the dinner table with my chopped chef salad and glass of wine. Yes, as I sipped my glass of Pino Grigio, I thought about what I would share with my late husband if he were still here to dine with me.
I would tell him about my week…about how March came in like a lion with a huge snowstorm. He always said that the weatherman exaggerated. I would tell him that I contemplated using his snowblower to clear the driveway of all the snow. I got out the manual and pulled out the key and started to read the directions, but I put it back. It was too much work. So, I took out the good old snow shovel and I shoveled the driveway just enough so I could get his car (which is now my Honda Accord) down the driveway. I wished he was here to use that snowblower. I missed him.
We would likely have talked about the economy at our empty nest dinner table…about how our bank statement keeps getting lower and lower each month. I’m glad he is not here to see all our retirement savings as it dwindles in this recessionary economy. He would not be happy about it. No, he would likely be very angry. I don’t think he would be enjoying all the news shows he used to religiously watch like CNBC and MSNBC. Not now, not in this economy, not with the depressing stock market news each day.
I would tell him that I was so proud of myself this week. I was so proud because I finally learned how to download songs from iTunes to my new iPod Touch. I did it all by myself last night. I felt like an iPod Genius. Yes, I did. I downloaded Kelly Clarkson’s new song, “My Life Would Suck Without You.” (Okay, you see how I was feeling last night – a little sad, but I really do like Kelly’s new song.)
I would tell him that I would have appreciated his help this week with parenting decisions. I needed his wise counsel with a money issue with our son who was low on cash and told me he planned to sell his Playstation game system so he could get his girlfriend a birthday present and have some money to tide him over until he gets a summer job. I didn’t want him to sell his Playstation. He loves his Playstation. So, I gave in. I gave in and I gave him some money (don’t worry, I didn’t give him too much money, just a little so he could enjoy his day in NYC during his spring break this week). I know you would not have approved, but I’m a onesome now doing a twosome’s job, so I gave in and gave him some money.
I would tell my dear late husband that we are springing the clocks ahead this weekend (earlier than usual). I would tell him that spring is coming, my second spring without him. Hopefully, we will have his memorial plaque in the ground by springtime. It is taking a little longer than planned. First, they spelled his name wrong on the original plaque. Then the second time around they left out the ‘1’ from the ’18’ – the date of his death. At least, the third time around the memorial company finally got it right. Now we are just waiting for the ground to dry. Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about you. I will never forget you. You are in my thoughts every day. It is the memorial company that I want to forget.
Finally, I would tell him that I am getting ready to leave for a weekend stay at my condo on the corner at the Jersey shore. I know he never liked Atlantic City. My place is not too far from Atlantic City. I love to escape to my beach condo. We likely would never have bought this condo on the corner if our twosome were still intact. But, you know what? I bet as a twosome, we would have enjoyed the shore together and he would have really liked taking walks on the beach and sitting on the porch in the morning to drink his daily cup of tea…his tea that he would mix with Kellogg’s All Bran. (I always thought that tea and bran made an awful combination, but I know he liked it and I bet he would like it even better with breezes from the ocean on a hot summer day.)
I’ll never know how life would have been as a twosome again after almost 25 years of marriage. My nest is empty now, but I’m trying to fill it up again. And I do have a very full life – work, yoga, zumba, putting songs on my iPod, reading, writing my blog, shoveling snow, doing the shopping (that he used to do. And I’m getting better at. He would appreciate my efforts at hunting down bargains in the supermarket aisles during these recessionary times). Ah, yes, I’m also starting to hunt for another soulmate. Don’t be jealous. These Jdate, Right Stuff and now Fitness Single men will never match up to you.
You know me, I’m still the eternal optimist. And, I’m feeling better. The healing process is moving along since he is gone. My sleep habits are better. Thanks to my new sleep rituals with my sleep music and my cup of Chamomile or Orange tea at night, I am sleeping better since he left me as a onesome in our king size bed meant for two. However, I would tell him, that he is always in my dreams and I will always raise my wine glass as I remember the memories we had together.