It’s been three months…three whole months…and a few extra days since my husband passed away…and I’m missing him…there are so many things I want to tell him…I visited his gravesite the other day…while he can no longer talk back to me…no…I can no longer hear his words of wisdom or love…I guess I can still talk to him…so what do I want to tell him…let me see…here goes:

It’s Sunday…the first Sunday of spring…in fact…it is Easter Sunday…so I get to stay in bed later…get to relax because there’s no place to run to…most of the stores are closed…but you’re not here in bed to give me my hugs and kisses…and you’re not here to make me my fluffy pancakes…I miss your Sunday morning fluffy pancakes…the smell of them is not in the kitchen air anymore…now I have to make my own fluffy pancakes…or maybe better yet go to the diner to get some fluffy pancakes…yes…I miss you.

I’s springtime…it is officially spring as of last Thursday…time for rejuvenation…time to hear the birds chirping again…time for the grass to start growing again…and I miss you…I miss the way you used to take care of the lawn…and call all the landscapers…and complain about how they never show up…and how they don’t clean the leaves properly from the basement steps…yes…I know what you went through…now that I have to do this work myself…but I am determined to keep up the lawn that you loved so dearly…even if I have to pay the price…and I did what you would want me to do…I called the expensive lawn service…and they did show up…and now I am just waiting…waiting for their estimate…as you always did…just like you did each spring…yes…I miss you.

By the way…that tree that you always disliked…that tree whose branches hang over our driveway…well…it is raining sticky brown balls again…yes…in honor of springtime all those sticky brown balls are falling all over our driveway…I think I am going to have that tree cut down once and for all…that is if I can find a tree cutter who will show up…wish you were here to take care of this…I’m not strong enough to cut down a tree…I miss you.

And did I tell you that our mailbox broke…the box that you tied to the stump that you once tried to attach with rope and string…well…it finally broke the other day…yes…but it didn’t fall off the stump…the door to the mailbox broke…so it would not stay closed…the mailman wasn’t happy…he didn’t want our mail to fall out of the box…and I didn’t know what I was going to do…how was I going to get a new mailbox on that old stump?

So…so…so…I went to Home Depot (just like you would have done)…and I looked at all the mailboxes…I stood there for 20 minutes trying to pick out an appropriate box…should I get a white one…a black one…a grey one with black trim…a black one with grey trim…hmmm…too many choices (all the while thinking about how I didn’t know how I was going to get the old mailbox off the stump and a new one on…there were no instructions attached to any of these mailboxes (why don’t they attach instructions for widows who just lost their husband …I’m going to have to write to this company and complain.)…yes…I miss you…you are not there for me to make my silly complaints to anymore…I miss you.

What else happened…ah yes…I wanted to tell you that I finally bought new blinds for the living room…after 10 years of living in this house with broken blinds in the living room…I went out and bought new Levelor wooden blinds…and while I was there I finally bought vertical blinds too for the family room sliding glass doors…and I bought blinds for the kitchen door as well…and I even had a nice handyman who showed up when he was scheduled…and he installed all the blinds…and he even fixed the broken blind in the bedroom.

And guess WHAT…guess WHAT he did..he was a really…really…really nice handyman…you know WHAT he did…you know WHAT he did…he installed our new mailbox…imagine…I asked him if he knew how to install a mailbox…and he tried…and he DID it…he DID it…and you know WHAT…you know WHAT…the mailman left me a note yesterday…yes, he left me a note…to thank me for the new mailbox…I’ll read you what he said,

“Dear Judy,
Thank you for the new mailbox! It is after all a two way street transaction.”
Steve

I was so happy that he liked our new mailbox…and so happy that I was resourceful enough to ask for help from this really nice handyman…you would have been so proud of me…you would have been so proud of me…I miss you.

I’m going to make salmon for dinner tonight…just like you taught me…I’m going to first saute it in the frying pan, skin side down and then flip it over and brown the top too…then I’m going to put it in the oven for 5 – 10 minutes depending on the thickness of the slice…just like you used to do…and I’m going to stir up the sauce you always made with mayonnaise and mustard and dill…the sauce that you always used to put on top of the salmon…I know it won’t be as good as your salmon was…but I’m going to try to keep your recipe alive…even if it isn’t as good as you made it…I miss you.

I think of you often…and now that I am facing my first springtime without you…it’s not easy…but the good memories of you are starting to reappear…so I guess that means I’m starting to heal…the ugly scars from your long illness are starting to fade…I cry often…but I think that is good…it is helping me to heal…yes…I am trying to heal…but I will always miss you.

Judi