I’m packing…packing up my husband’s clothes…I’m crying…the tears are flowing…I’m grieving…I’m mourning…I’m letting go…letting go of a part of my soulmate that I lost when he left me just four short months ago.

It’s not fair…I thought as I folded his blue and gray sweatpants and put them in the box for Goodwill…the sweatpants that he used to wear to the gym…the sweatpants that he practically lived in day in and day out.

It’s not fair…I thought as I took the blue hoodie off the hanger and placed it in the large black garbage bag…I really wanted to wrap it around me…yes, wrap it around me like my husband used to do when he wore that hoodie…sure wish he were still around to give me one of his ‘big blue hoodie hugs.’

It’s not fair…I thought as I piled up his shoes and his boots and assembled them neatly in another big brown box…perhaps another large man will be able to use these size 14 shoes and boots now that they are no longer needed here.

I didn’t pack the blue and white striped long-sleeve shirt…nope…I left that one on the hanger…I always loved when my husband wore that shirt…he always looked so handsome with his dark hair against the blue and white stripes.

…and I didn’t pack his blue Giants jersey either…nor the gray Yankee sweatshirt…I’m keeping these two shirts too.

…and I just cannot bear to throw out his ratty old gray slippers…the slippers that he wore every evening…the slippers that are so stretched from wear that they made noise every time he walked across the kitchen floor…yes…I always knew when he was in the kitchen.

…and I’m also going to keep his old cotton jacket with the Pebble Beach logo on it…it was his favorite jacket that he bought one summer while we were vacationing in California…he bought it at the Pebble Beach Pro Shop…it was many years ago…but I remember…yes, I remember that trip…it will always have memories in my heart…and that jacket will always have a special place in my coat closet…even though it does have a big dirty stain on the front of the jacket (and to think I let him wear it like that…he loved that jacket…but it did annoy me…I tried to get that lousy stain out of the jacket…but no matter how much Shout and Cheer detergent I used…it would never come clean…but, he wore it anyway)…I had planned to get him a new one for our 25th anniversary next year…guess I can just keep the old stained one now…yes…it will always have a hanger to hang on.

But, I’m going to give away his suits…and his extra-long ties…and I still have more packing to do…yes, there’s lots more packing to do…but I am starting this process of ‘letting go’…sure is hard to let go of those you love.

As Judith Viorst says in her book “Necessary Losses“…”There is plenty we have to give up in order to grow. For we cannot deeply love anything without becoming vulnerable to loss. And we cannot become separate people, responsible people, connected people, reflective people without losing and leaving and letting go.“

It’s not fair…I thought…life’s just not fair.

Judi