It’s February 29th…and I had an entire extra day…I had such plans for this extra Leap Year Day that only comes once every four years…and I blew it…I blew it all…I should have taken the day off…should have enjoyed my extra day on the calendar of my 50th year…and I didn’t…nope…I worked the entire day…and then some…when I should have been out enjoying myself.
Why…oh why…can’t I do better at goal setting and achieving my short term enjoyment goals…I need to heal…need to do more grieving…some days I feel like I am not letting myself grieve…some days I want to just let the shower run…or stay in a warm bath the entire day…or in bed…but I don’t…nope…I get up my strength…lift up those legs…raise up those arms…and keep my body moving forward.
How is it possible that more than two months ago my husband passed away…yes…how is it possible that more than two months have passed already…and I’m still trying to figure out what exactly happened…trying to come to terms with the fact that he is really gone…and not coming back…how oh how is this possible…I just cannot believe it…nope…some days I just don’t want to accept these changes…these changes that I never expected would happen in my 50th year…these changes that my Type A planner personality never planned for…nope…sometimes change just happens…it just happens…and we learn to cope…yes…when we’re in the moment…and we cannot climb out…we learn to cope.
This week in my bereavement group the subject was goal setting…this was especially fitting for my current frame of mind…we had to set some goals and then talk about them…there were four types of goals we had to set:
– shortest
– shorter
– short
– long
I liked these categories…there were no big hairy audacious goals…no big hairy audacious goals for me…or anyone who is grieving…just small short teeny tiny goals are okay…like relaxing more…even if it is an hour a day more than I did before…reading a magazine…then progressing to reading chapters in a book…then reading an entire book…(imagine that…reading an entire book in less than three weeks…wow…what a luxury.)
The goal guide said that my goals had to be ‘realistic’ and ‘measurable’…I guess I can measure how many pages I read each day (uh…today was none…but I promise tomorrow I will do better…today was an extra day anyway so today really didn’t count in the goal setting.)
There are also questions to answer as I set goals…like ‘who influences me?’…’how can I add to my life?’…’what can I eliminate from my life?’…or…’what kind of social life do I fancy?’
And then there was the final question on the page…the last question to answer…it was my favorite goal setting question…that’s because I can procrastinate on this question…I can procrastinate for several more leap years…maybe 10 more leap years before I contemplate the answer to this question…what is it you ask…here it is…I’m not quite ready to answer it…are you:
Pretend you are being interviewed on your 100th birthday by a reporter. How would you like to be remembered
“I’m only 50 years old,” I thought to myself…”I don’t have to answer this question yet…nope…I have another 50 more to go before I answer this goal…I think I can take a few more years to ponder my answer…and I will.”
Judi
