Monthly Archives: December 2008

The New ‘Me’ Emerging

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As I count down the last few hours of 2008…as I reflect on the last 12 months of 2008…as I remember the last 52 weeks and 365 days of 2008…I am ready to take a huge, deep breath…in and out…and another…in and out…and another…in and out…down through my diaphragm it goes…down deep within my belly. Ah! It feels so good to STOP, BREATHE AND BE.

I did it. I made it through.

Yes, there were the low times, like when I first walked into the bereavement class on that cold Wednesday night last January. All I did was cry for about 50 – 60 minutes while the other widows and widowers had conversations. But, little by little, week by week, I started to talk…to share my story…to learn how to cope…to open up and listen to the instructor guide us on how to move ahead after losing a spouse.

I did it. I made it through.

Yes, there were the many good times too. My daughter’s graduation from college in May. (So happy, so proud, so happy…paying that last tuition bill. Of course, that was before I knew about the ‘after graduation and moving to NYC’ expenses that were to come later in 2008. Although, as my boss says, these bills do not equal a college tuition.)

Yes, there were the many good times too. My son’s graduation from high school in June. (I jumped for joy. So happy, so proud, so happy…that was before I realized that I had another four more years of college tuition to pay…which came quickly in September. And before I blinked an eye it was December and he had already finished his first semester…with glowing grades. So happy, so proud, so happy…only seven more semesters to go!)

Yes, there were the many good times too. Buying my condo on the corner at the shore…all by myself. Wow, wow, wow…I sure did it and haven’t looked back. (Okay, I did look back and I am soooooo glad I invested in my condo on the corner. It is actually one of my only investments that has retained most of its value during these tough economic times.)

I did it. I made it through the winter of 2008 without having to use my snowblower. (May it never snow again in 2009…that is my first wish for the new year. I called the snowblower man and he never returned my call. Maybe his business shut down because of the lack of snow last winter. Now I will have to figure out how to use this large machine that is sitting in my garage. Good thing that last month I finally found the snowblower key – nearby the Thanksgiving serving dishes in the dining room closet. So, now if it snows in 2009, I can actually turn on this machine even if I don’t know how to physically use it.)

I did it. I hit the wall…I smashed through the crescendo this month…the point at which my body told me to slow down or it would slow down for me. It forced me to CHANGE for the BETTER.

And the best part…the best part…the best part is that THE NEW ‘ME’ IS EMERGING.

The NEW ‘ME’ has a great support network…with so many fantastic, talented, incredible lifelines to call whenever I need them…and I’m ready to accept these lifelines…that’s what’s even more important(alright, alright…I’m sure if I asked my lifelines they would say that I’m not always ready to accept their advice…but I’m on the right track more than on the wrong track…and I’m learning and definitely improving on seeking advice and counsel).

The NEW ‘ME’ is sleeping better and even more so the NEW ‘ME’ realizes that I need more sleep if I am going to be better at being the NEW ‘ME. I’m taking my Ambien time release every night (not always as early as I should, but it is working and I am getting more sleep). And the NEW ‘ME’ has a my NEW king size memory foam mattress pad so I can sleep comfortably in my king size bed at home and a NEW queen size memory foam mattress pad, so I can sleep comfortably in my queen size bed at my condo on the corner at the shore. Plus, just today, I also treated myself to a memory foam pillow that the chiropractor says may help my tension headaches.

The NEW ‘ME’ still has tension headaches, but I am much better than I was a few weeks ago. My chiropractor is pulling and pushing and shifting me back into alignment. It hurts and is scary when she cracks my neck…but it is working. I’m not all the way to bright. I wish I could just wave a wand or snap my fingers and all the tension from the past 25 years would slip out of my body. Unfortunately, as my chiropractor and my other lifelines have told me – “changing old habits and aging bodies take time.”

The NEW ‘ME’ is venturing out…and may be meeting a new potential soulmate in 2009 (Whisper, whisper…it is a secret…but I thought I would tell my virtual community since you will need to be my supporters on this one.) This is totally new to me and I’m not sure I’m ready…but I’m taking the plunge. Wish me luck. Not blogging about this yet…but I’m SURE it will be ripe material.

What else is on the NEW ‘ME’ agenda for 2009?

More yoga, more mindfulness, more sleeping, more eating, better balancing my work and my life outside of work, learning to say ‘no,’ getting ready for my trip to the Miraval Spa in Tucson, stretching, reaching (not higher just straight ahead), more growing (growing up and growing a year older)…maybe finally turning my first blog into a book…or at least taking the first step and working with my fantastic editor and amazing designer to start this exciting process.

For now, as the NEW ‘ME’ emerges, I see a relaxing new year’s eve with good friends and some mini Hebrew National franks in their blankets. As my dad always said…an affair is not an affair unless there are delicious ‘pigs in a blanket’ and lots of mustard to dip them in.

I wish you all a happy new year…hope you will stay a part of my community in 2009…my wish is that I will inspire each of YOU to EMERGE and GROW into a NEW YOU. The best is yet to come.

Judi

‘

Toasting the Year

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I’m not a vodka drinker…but I have to say that the Grey Goose vodka ad touched me in a special way yesterday. I often flip through the advertisements as I read my New York Times each morning. And of all ads, I was surprised to find that a vodka ad caught my interest.

There were simple, yet powerful words on the page. Some of the words touched me more than others…and I felt like making them my own…like toasting to those words that had special meaning to me.

Soooo, as I approach the end of my 50th year and begin to think more about my life after 50…I think I will use some of those powerful words from the Grey Goose vodka ad. Yes, I’m going to raise my glass and toast to ‘the things that matter most this holiday season’…just like the Grey Goose ad said:

To The Future (I am confident that now that my crescendo is over my future will be bright.)

To Family (I have an amazing family – beautiful and brilliant daughter, handsome and talented son, yes I did lose my husband last year, an extraordinary person in my family, but his memory will continue to live on in all our lives.)

To Possibility (I have so much potential and have to let it shine in my 50+ years.)

To Perserverance (That’s my middle name!)

To Collaboration (I know I can’t do it alone…my family and friends are my anchors…my lifelines…oh yes…and my work colleagues are too…and my hairdresser…and my hair colorist…and my massage therapist…who is a friend too…and my esthetician who gives me wonderful facials…my many doctors…my therapist…I have such a fabulous team of people to collaborate with…I may have to buy a few bottles of Grey Goose vodka to make my many new year’s toasts.)

To Selflessness (Okay, I’m only giving this half a toast…just one sip of vodka…I am going to be more selfish in my 50+ years…I have to take care of mySELF a bit more and put me first on the list so I can be a better mom, daughter, friend, co-worker, patient…to everyone else.)

To Compromise (Guess I will have to do more compromising to really live a fulfilled life in my 50+ years…otherwise I won’t be able to relax and slow down and be selfish.)

To Progress (I have to admit that I have come a long way since the beginning of 2008…I’ve also gone backwards at times, especially the past few weeks. However, these past few weeks have taught me a very important lesson. Number one that my body needs to be taken care of in a BIG way…including rest and relaxation.)

To Green (I love trees and plants…except for the crazy bamboo in my backyard that won’t stop growing…and I bought recycled grocery bags and I promise to use them more in 2009. And I will remember to water my plants too…I promise to make sure they keep growing.)

To Quiet (My son is back in the nest for the next few days and weeks…so I will toast to this word later on in the new year when the noise from the video games die down. And I’m going to try to practice my mindfulness meditation and do more yoga now that I have my new yoga blocks.)

To Fearlessness (Now that’s a word I really am going to conquer in my 50+ years. Yeah, I conquered my fear and booked my trip to Miraval…to the spa I always wanted to go to…Oprah’s favorite spa…Judi is going to Oprah’s favorite spa in January…more updates on this exciting fearless venture to come in the new year.)

To Strengthening (Another GREAT WORD…this word deserves a big toast in my life.)

To Change (I learned that change can sometimes…actually oftentimes…be painful…not fun…but I guess change is a part of life we ALL have to learn to adapt to. And I just heard on the evening news the other night that CHANGE is THE TOP WORD OF 2008…so it is very trendy right now to toast to CHANGE.)

To Reinvention (Me,me, me, me! I’ll be blogging more about my reinvention in the coming year.)

To Moving Forward…To Letting Go…To Growth (Oh sing it out, sing it loud, sing it clear…me, me, me, me!)

To Relaxing (I saved the best toast for last. Yes, to relaxing. TO RELAXING. A BIG TOAST TO RELAXING IN 2009!)

Judi

P.S. – You can send a toast at greygoose.com/toast.

Final Disclosure

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I met with my husband’s former psychiatrist today. It was a fitting day to meet her for the first time. Fitting because today was the year anniversary of my husband’s death. Yes, my husband died a year ago today.

How, what, when, why, are all questions I have asked myself for the past 365 days.

How did this happen?

What exactly happened?

When did he decide he would have that simple catherization that turned deadly?

Why did he have to die an untimely death?

As I sat in the big comfy chair that my husband often sat in when he told his doctor his inner most thoughts, I imagined how safe he must have felt in this office. It was small, friendly, and his doctor was warm and welcoming.

I went there to see what was wrong with me…how I could fix my mind, fix my body, fix my spirits. She asked questions. She listened. She suggested I needed more sleep. Told me grieving was not easy. That even though a year had passed, she agreed that oftentimes life is more painful after a year of grieving…that the grieving process takes more time…that my body requires more rest…and that in time my heart and soul will heal.

I felt at home in the big comfy chair in the small office…yes, on this final day when my husband’s death came full circle…there was a sense of calmness as I sat with this person who asked me questions, but seemed to shake her head like she knew the answers…like she knew what I was going to say…like she knew me better than maybe I knew myself.

I never asked her what she and my husband had talked about during his many visits…his many years when he would come to this small office and sit in the big comfy chair and talk. But, she offered. She told me how much he loved his family…that we meant the world to him. She told me how much he loved me and how proud he was of my accomplishments. She told me how scared he was that his illnesses might take his life at an early age…but he was thankful for the wonderful wife and children this world had bestowed on him. He was thankful for the almost 25 years of marriage and the beautiful life he had built with me and our two amazing children he had helped raise. He was thankful for the many special moments he had been able to share with his children…like their sporting events, bar and bat mitzvahs, school performances and trips…all had meant so much to him, despite the limits of his health and failing body.

I went to the cemetery today. I went with my children…my daughter A and my son D and my brother-and-sister-in-law. I read a poem to my husband, one of Maya Angelou’s poems of condolence. I put a traditional rock on his grave. Then I cried…tears streamed down my face. They were tears of joy for the 25 extraordinary years that we had together. They were also tears of sadness as I tried to fully accept on this cold December day that my husband is NOT COMING BACK TO ME. It is the positive memories that I must now try to retrain myself to retain. As Maya Angelou’s words say:

“Now the days stretch before you with the dryness and sameness of desert dunes. And in this season of grief we who love you have become invisible to you. Our words worry the empty air around you and you can sense no meaning in our speech.

Yet, we are here. We are still here. Our hearts ache to support you.

We are always loving you.

You are not alone.”

Judi

Hanging Up My Armani

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I took the week off. I did it. I actually stayed at home all week. Okay, I did do some work at home, but staying home all week was a major accomplishment for me. Time away, that’s what I needed and just what the doctor ordered. He also ordered me to stop typing on my laptop (I’m not a good patient. As you can see, I don’t always listen to what the doctor says and then I wonder why I’m not healing).

I decided this week…as I approach the year mark of my husband’s passing…and as I approach the year-end of my 50th year…that I no longer want an Armani suit as my 50th birthday present. I’m getting off the fast-track. I don’t want the corner office either (not that I was going to get it, but I don’t want it). After 25 years of dressing the part, I’m ready to step back, slow down, change. I no longer have need for an Armani suit. (Don’t get me wrong, I have always loved Armani and always will, he is a stellar designer. I will always love his suits…the details…the draping…the fabrics…the man, but I’m hanging up my Armani dreams).

Bath Time: It’s amazing I’m not a shrivelled up prune after this week. I spent so much time taking baths with my new Earth Therapeutic Anti-Bacterial Bath Pillow. The most amazing invention. And today I used the lovely Love Notes Healing Aromatherapy Bath Salts…a gift from J and C (thank you..thank you). Ooh, aah, ooh, aah, I was in heaven…with scents like lavender, white tea, jasmine and mint.

Yoga: I ordered my yoga blocks from Yoga Direct. They arrived yesterday special delivery from UPS. Now I can watch my new yoga tape and practice my asanas with correct posture. I think I’m going to have to turn my daughter’s room into a yoga studio. Yes, that is one of my new dreams.

What else did I do to relax?

Massages: I got massages twice this week. My massage therapist is so great. (Those of you who are local to Southern NJ should check out my massage therapist’s ad on my blog. Just scroll down the right side panel. She is a fellow 50-plus woman).

Cooking: Cooking is so relaxing. I used new Swanson stock and made a braised beef recipe. According to last week’s New York Times Dining section, braising is the ‘in’ way to cook now. It was yummy.

Spa Plans: Ah yes, I looked up spa trips to Canyon Ranch and Miraval. I’ve decided that instead of that Armani suit for my 50th birthday, I’m going to take myself on a spa trip to celebrate the new me. I got as far as calling reservations and checking flights to Tucson…now I have to get up the courage to call back and actually book my trip for January 2009. While January 2009 was to be my 25th anniversary trip with my husband, I will have to go it alone next month…and Miraval is my choice. Stay tuned…I’m going to do this…I’m going to do this…I’m going to take my first ‘ME’ vacation. It’s Oprah’s favorite spa. I should tell her I’m going…maybe she will join me.

Time with Oprah: Speaking of Oprah, I watched her show today. I relaxed in bed and watched her show. And guess who was on the show…Tom Cruise. The interview took place in his house in Telluride, CO. What a magnificent place. Maybe I will have to put that location on my list of 50 plus dreams for my 50 plus years. Like me, although a little younger, Tom is celebrating 25 years of being in the movie business…25 years since his breakout role in Risky Business. He said he has ‘lived his dream’ but now he is ‘turning it up.’ (Me too, I’m going to turn my life up too in 2009…I mean turn up by slowing down and creating new dreams).

Building Another Life: I read Lou Ureneck’s piece in the New York Times about how he is building a cabin in Maine. It was a wonderful story…will have to follow his blog.

New Bedtime Rituals: My new bedtime rituals (in addition to Ambien) include turning up my new iHome and listening to my ‘sleep’ music as I drift into ‘la la land’(although I did wake up at three the past few mornings and then I turned on my iHome and did my ‘mindfulness meditation’).

Doggie Dreams: I also perused Petfinder.com to look at dogs. It’s a fun pasttime. I found Chewy, a very cute Shih Tzu…oh, should I get a dog…yes…no…yes…no, no, no….maybe…this is too stressful…I stopped looking at all the dogs that are up for adoption.

More relaxation planned this weekend…facial, haircut, lobster dinner (since lobsters are in abundance right now…who cares if I eat lots of lobster and run up my cholesterol with so much shellfish).

The Crescendo is over. Thank you to all my readers who sent me ‘get well’ messages…I appreciate all your comments…you are my spiritual and emotional support.

The new ‘ME’ is emerging.

Judi

Crescendo

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This week I hit the brick wall. Super Judi hit the brick wall hard and collapsed. And as I was lying in the hospital bed on Tuesday night…as they wheeled me to have a CAT scan of my brain and my stomach…I thought to myself…is this brick wall hard enough yet…is hitting the brick wall going to make me slow down…or do I need a steel wall to shut me down?

“If they admit me, please call the Atmostemp heater and air conditioner man and tell him that I won’t be home for the installation of my new heater and air conditioner tomorrow,” I told my friend R, as I waited for my test results in the emergency room.

“What..who do you want me to call?,” asked R. “Is the Atmostemp man the most important person right now?” (I was planning to have my new heater and air conditioner installed on Wednesday morning and I had delayed it a week…so I didn’t want all the air conditioner and heater units sitting outside my door. Of course, I should have said to call my kids first…and then my mother…and then my sister and sister-in-law…and of course, my office mates…I guess my 50 year old brain wasn’t working properly due to my intense tension headache and stomachache.)

Yes, this week my 50+ body came to a crescendo…I was flat on my back. Luckily, my CAT scan came up negative. “Rest and relaxation is what you need,” said the doctor…and some sleep. So to bed I went for two days. (Okay, I snuck out of bed and I went to pick up my prescriptions…then I went to the supermarket and bought a Chippity Doo Da Cake…I needed something to cheer me up.)

Let’s see what might have caused this crescendo…

- Perhaps it was the 2.5 hour ride in the pouring rain up to NYC to move my daughter last Sunday that caused my crescendo. And then the move itself…up and down the stairs in the pouring rain…and then the 3.5+ hour ride back home to NJ in the pouring rain. (I occasionally had brief thoughts of moving back to the city for my 50+ years, but all it took was a few hours sitting in front of a fire hydrant to dispense with such a crazy idea. I loved my life in NYC during my twenties…but walking up flights of apartment stairs is something I no longer desire. I laughed at the dichotomy of it all as I watched people walk by in the pouring rain while my daughter and son carried clothes and boxes to her apartment. So many young twentysomethings passed by without any umbrellas getting soaked through and through while they held tight to their packages of takeout food. And, right behind them came the elegant Upper East Siders with their huge umbrellas and luxurious mink coats…I bet they didn’t even realize it was raining…not a drop of water came within inches of their bodies. I still do and will always enjoy people watching in NYC. It is such fun!)

- Or perhaps it was the work-a-holic pace I’ve been keeping for the past 18 months that caused my crescendo. Hmm…hmm…hmm…maybe I haven’t stopped because I don’t want to face the realities of life without my husband. Now that I am approaching the year mark of grief I truly have to face the facts…slow down…slow down…slow down…and begin my life anew. (Where is that Chippity Doo Da Cake when I need it? I think I’ll have another slice. Maybe I’ll even dig into the Blueberry Pie that was left over from Thanksgiving.) I also have to stop trying to be mom and dad to my kids…I’ve been over-extending myself to try to take their pain away…and my own pain away…yet my body is full of tension from keeping it inside…is the year mark time to ‘let it out’…can I ‘let it out?’

- Or perhaps it is the 25 years of 24/7?
Running…running…running…being a career-driven woman…being a super mom…being a dedicated wife…a caring caregiver…and dutiful daughter…what other roles have I played these past 25 years? Now that I’m 50 it’s time to put ME at the top of the list…take the ‘I’ in Judi and make it a capital letter.

It’s Saturday, and after two days in bed (60% in bed, which is a huge accomplishment for me thanks to my new Ambien nights…and some strong muscle relaxers), I’m finally feeling a tad better.

Hopefully, there are no more crescendos for me. I did a little Boomer Beauty trip to Ulta today. I bought a Yoga tape, a bath pillow, and an eye mask. All set to de-stress. I think it’s time to follow my son’s advice, “Take the weekend off,” he urged. “Forget about your tension and all your work. For two days just relax.”

I love my son…he is such a wise man.

Judi