My muscles ache again today. The doctor says it may be a virus. Hope that is what it is. Or maybe I am just grieving…maybe my aching hole that is in my broken heart is mending. I remember my bereavement counselor said that when you lose a spouse that there is a special hole in the heart that will always be there…but that over time it will get smaller…that over time it will start to mend.

Yesterday, I met with Mr. C, the representative from Memorials By Design. “We Come To You” it said in their letter….we come to you.

Yes, after almost nine months since the passing of my late husband, I sat in my kitchen, the kitchen where my late husband used to cook all his wonderful meals – baked salmon with dill sauce, stuffed chicken with feta, crockpot chili with all the chili trimmings – I sat in that same kitchen where he used to cook and I picked out the memorial that will go on his gravesite.

“Which bronze would you like to honor your late husband?” asked Mr. C, the nice man who was trying to make this as pleasant an experience as possible. He showed me a variety of bronze plaques for the gravesite, the plaque that will note my late husband’s final resting place.

I picked out a simple rectangle with a smooth edge…no fancy beveled design or flowery finish…my husband was a simple man. He was not a flowery kind of guy (although he did occasionally buy red roses for me on my birthday and on our anniversaries…I miss his flowers.)

“What words do you want to engrave on the memorial?” asked Mr. C, as he flipped through the samples in the brochure. I noticed there were some plaques with lots of words while others had just a few. Some had scenes of fields and some were quite sterile. Some had pictures of the moon and others the sun. The word ‘beloved’ was a popular word that began most sentences.

Yes, my husband was my beloved. Wish I could still sit with him at the kitchen table and share stories from my day as we used to do for almost 25 years. Wish I could laugh and joke with him and see him wince as he would do if he knew that his Yankees didn’t have a chance at the playoffs this year. Oh, how I wished yesterday that my late husband was sitting opposite me at the kitchen table instead of Mr. C.

“What words do you want to engrave on the memorial?” Mr. C asked again.

“If I use the word ‘beloved’ I will have to add so many words,” I said. “He was a beloved husband, father, son, brother, uncle, cousin, nephew, friend, Yankee fan, Giants fan…the list could go on and on.” Yes, the entire memorial could be filled with beloved words for my late husband…lots of great words describe the great man he was.

Instead, I settled on a simple memorial bronze. It will have his name. It will have the date of his birth and the date of his death. (Mr. C said these dates are important because if and when we have grandchildren and great grandchildren and great great grandchildren and these grands want to trace their geneology…they will be more easily able to trace the great man who was one of their great descendants.)

Between these two dates will be a beautiful Star of David. A Star of David to honor his faith.

And on the bottom of the memorial will be three simple words:

In Loving Memory

Judi

As I awoke early this morning…at 8:00 am…yes, at 8:00 am on a Sunday morning, I fluttered around the house. I went in the family room and opened the vertical blinds to let the beautiful sunshine in. And I turned off the front porch lights now that the darkness was gone. And I opened my MAC computer and started to blog. No one to worry about disturbing…it was just me, myself, and I.

I realized that there are certain benefits to being single. Not that it is fun being a widow. Oh, yes, how I miss my husband’s companionship. But, this past week, as I truly started living the single life…during the second half of my 50th year…with my son off to college and my daughter readying for her career in the big city…I started to reap the benefits of singledom and the empty nest,

Now, I can eat whatever I want when ever I want it. I’m still adjusting to buying less at the supermarket. It’s not easy when you are used to buying food for a family of four, then three, then two, then just one. No, it is not easy. But, I’m learning. And I’m learning to buy what I want and like to eat. This week I bought salmon, just a small piece, and a half pound of shrimp and half pound of sea scallops too. Love those sea scallops…will have to treat myself more often. No more deli meats or cheeses. Don’t have to stand in line at the deli as much anymore…there are no more lunches to pack in my house unless I’m packing lunch for myself.

I’ve also decided that I must have wine with dinner…yes, every night is special…soooo, I must toast myself every night. And a little wine is good for me. (Okay, I know that I really should drink red wine if I want it to be good for me, but I like my white Pino Grigio the best.)

Now, I can do whatever I want when ever I want to. Yesterday, it rained all day…buckets of rain came down. Luckily, the new sump pump held up or I would not have been doing whatever I wanted to do…no, if the sump pump had given out I would have been using my wet-vac to clean up a mess of water (which is not one of my favorite things).

Instead, I relaxed…I talked on the phone to a friend for almost an hour. And then I watched the DVDs I had rented of “Gossip Girls” first season all afternoon and into the evening too. (Should I admit that at 50 years old I watch this soap opera that is watched by millions of 18-34 year olds? Who cares, I love NYC where this soap opera takes place. And I love all the fashions that these young girls like Blair and Serena wear.) Plus, I was so excited after my son stopped by and showed me how to use the DVD player in my bedroom. I wrote down all the directions as insurance to never forget the steps.

I can yell and scream (and even swear) when things go wrong in the house, like when my uninvited insect and animal friends come to visit. No, I don’t like when the ants or mice decide to make an unannounced visit. Or when there are five deers eating the grass in my backyard like there were earlier this week. But, I can yell and scream (and even swear) and it’s okay.

I can stay up late or get up early. Especially during these peri-menopausal evenings when I cannot sleep a wink. I can turn on the light at 3:00 am and read or blog or watch tv.

I can sleep diagonally on my king size bed. And use four pillows around me if I want to. That is of course when I actually sleep.

I can eat a leisurely breakfast and then go to the gym, or the movies, or take off to the beach. Yes, that is sounding really good right now. It’s Sunday. The sun is shining and the rain is gone. I have so much work to do. And I really want to go to the gym…or maybe go to the MAC store to sign up for classes…or maybe work on my book proposal…or maybe read the newspaper…or finish reading my 800+ page Vogue magazine (will talk about this fall fashion issue in another post – very disappointing to date).

So, let’s see, what does this 50 year old single empty nester want to do on this BEAUTIFUL DAY. It’s 9:17 am. I don’t have any commitments today. I hear those sandpipers calling my name. I think I’ll just get in the car and go.

I’m on my own.

Judi