I’m grieving again…about family matters…another loss…this time my mother-in-law…my children’s nana has left us…yes…she decided that her spirit could no longer fight the good fight…and just like my husband…she left us…almost three months to the date of losing my husband…another loss…new wounds of sadness to heal…raw wounds needing attending to…where are the bandaids…I need more bandaids again.

This week brought back memories of my nana…I was very close with my nana who died when I was a senior in high school…and just like my son…who has now lost his nana when he is a senior in high school…and just like my daughter who has now lost her nana when she is a senior in college…I hope they will cherish the memories they have of their nana as much as I cherish the memories I have of mine.

My nana was a strong lady…a widow at an early age…just like my mother-in-law…and just like me…yes…funny how history repeats itself…I remember visiting my nana often…enjoying tea and brownies with her when I was a child…how I loved our tea time…and especially the brownies…she kept them in an empty Maxwell House coffee can…the tin can always smelled of coffee grounds…with a little bit of chocolate mixed in…and the brownies were always hard…always a little stale…sometimes I thought I was going to crack one of my teeth on those brownies…but we dunked them…yes…nana and I would dunk our brownies to soften them up…oh…how I loved tea time with my nana…and I loved to hear all her stories…her stories of how she came to America…how she took care of her family…it was great fun to listen to her stories.

My mother-in-law was a strong lady too…a courageous woman…I hope now that she is in heaven that she will give my husband…her son…lots of hugs and kisses…the hugs and kisses I can no longer give him…and I hope she will make him her kugel…the kugel with the thin noodles and onions…the savory kugel…not the sweet kind…and I hope she will make her giblet stew with meatballs…just like she used to make for him…and the stewed peaches too…during the summertime…they’ll likely argue over something…and if they see my nana up there…when it’s tea time…they can always ask her to make them some brownies.

This Friday it will be 33 years since the passing of my nana…and when I close my eyes…I can still remember her smile…her warmth…and her kindness…yes…I do hope my children will remember their wonderful nana in the same way I remember mine.

Wonderful nanas…wonderful nanas…as the poem says…they make us slow down…and enjoy life…maybe that’s why they are so lovable.

I Like to Walk with Nana

I like to walk with Nana, she takes small steps like mine.
She never says, “let’s hurry-up!, she always takes her time.
I like to walk with Nana, her eyes see things like mine. Shiny stones, a fluffy cloud, stars at night that shine.
People rush their whole day through, they rarely stop to see. I’m glad that God made Nana’s unrushed and young like me!
© Bloomfield

Judi

Did I say my life is speeding up…more like whizzing by…last week I felt like a regular jet-setter…where in the world is Judi…I felt like that book that my kids used to read…”Where in the World is Waldo?” (wonder what happened to that series of books?).

Let’s see…ah yes…Monday I was jet-setting to Toronto…luckily I remembered my passport…good thing I left myself a handwritten reminder or with my fifty-something memory I would have likely forgotten to bring it along…and my colleagues in Toronto had a surprise belated 50th birthday cake for me at lunch…it was so nice…and they gave me a special 50th birthday present…a book called “Fifty Things To Do When You Turn Fifty“…a perfect present for a 50 year old like me…I can’t wait to read it…the back cover caught my attention right away with it’s caption: “if you are among the 50 million North Americans who will turn 50 during the next ten years, this book might just be the thing that enables you to approach the experience with optimism rather than dread”…that’s me…that’s me…yep…can’t wait to read this book…I think I’ll add it to the book pile…the ‘before retirement reading pile’…the ‘read it soon when you have the first chance pile’…yep..this book is going to the top of the pile!

Blink…blink…if it’s Tuesday it must be New York City…yes…on Tuesday I was jet-setting to a black-tie dinner in NYC…in my new Judi with a capital “I” strapless dress…yes…yes…yes…it was sure a night to remember…I wore one of my new evening outfits…my first-ever…strapless dress…my brown strapless short bubble dress…with high-heel sandals…only issue was that as I sat in the limo riding up to NYC…yes…as I sat in the limo the stays from the dress felt like they were starting to cut off the circulation to my upper body…and the elastic from my strapless bra was not helping matters either…this fifty-something body felt like it was being attacked by her first-ever strapless dress…but not to fear…no I was not going to let this dress get the better of me…me…me…nope…when I arrived at the restaurant I went straight to the ladies room…I looked left…I looked right…then I said good-bye to my strapless bra…straight in the garbage…two stays were enough to keep me intact for the evening…ah…it was great to breath again…ah…the life of a jet-setter.

I was ready to put my life back in slow-motion as I boarded the plane for Fort Lauderdale on Thursday…ready to sloooow down…yes…I said sloooow down…and spend some quality time with my 86 year old mom and my almost 22 year old daughter…it was such a great way to end the week…three generations of women all spending quality time together…no email messages to catch up on (my mom doesn’t have a computer in her condo…no internet access in this senior development)…no strapless evening dresses to put on…no make-up…no high heels…just good conversation…lounging at the pool…and taking things nice and sloooow…I love spending time with my mom…we eat sloooow…we walk sloooow….we talk sloooow…we drive slooow…we go to Kmart to buy clothes….we go back to Kmart the next day to return the clothes…we go to the $3 movie theater that plays movies that are out on DVD (no DVD at my mom’s condo…no…I don’t have to worry about how to turn the DVD on with the TV…no HDTV either…just plain regular TV…in 19-inch size not 60 inch plasma)…nice and slooow…simple living.

It’s Monday…and I’m jet-setting back home…after my worldwind week…I’m sorry to leave sunny Florida…but glad to be back home…my 7-day jet-set pass is expired…need to do some revving up before I get back on the runway this week.

Judi

Why is it that each day it seems like I’m speeding up…I feel like I need to go faster…and faster…and faster to catch up…when I really…really…really want to slow down…yes…now that I’ve reached the big 5-0 I want to take life a little slower…relax a little more than I used to…but I just don’t seem to be able to accomplish my goal.

My daughter arrived home for her college break the other day and was disappointed to find no food in the fridge. “Mom,” she said, “the fridge is EMPTY…dad used to keep it packed tight…and the freezer is EMPTY too.” “That’s because I don’t have time to shop…or sometimes even to eat,” I said. In fact, when I’m really busy…

- I eat hi-protein Balance bars when I should be eating a balanced meal…and now there is even Kellogg’s Special K protein powder that I can add to my water bottle…I have a sample packet but haven’t tried it yet.
- I eat grapes instead of apples…an apple takes too long to eat…no apples in my diet right now…no…I don’t have time to eat a whole apple at lunch…no time to stop and eat an apple…it’s easier to just pop some grapes in my mouth when I’m busy during the day.
- I drink V8 V-Fusion juice…which includes a full serving of fruits and a full serving of vegetables in each 8-ounce glass…I get two benefits instead of one…it’s a quick and nutritious way to drink and get one of my 5 servings of fruits and vegetables.
- Occasionally, I eat Cheerios cereal and milk bars too…it’s quicker to eat a cereal and milk bar than a bowl of cereal in the morning…and sometimes I eat a high fiber bar so I get my required amount of fiber in my diet.

I feel like I’ve learned how to pack more stuff into each day…yes…instead of trying to slow down…I’m learning how to cope to maintain a fast-paced lifestyle…last week, I bought five dresses in about 45 minutes…5 dresses (amazing that I found 5 dresses that fit me…and 5 dresses that I liked…actually, one was for my daughter’s formal…so I really bought 4 dresses and 1 additional dress…but I accomplished even more in less time.)…I ended up returning 3 of the dresses, but I was still ahead with two dresses for two different formal events.

I also decided that from now on I’m going to make a date to get more sleep…and besides…who needs 8 hours of sleep anymore…not me…I can’t sleep that long anymore anyway…I heard on the radio the other day that the average sleep a person gets these days is down to about 6 hours a night…I am down to about 4 hours a night…so once a week I make a date for my Lunesta night…that’s when I catch up on all the sleep I missed the entire week (well, maybe not the entire week…but I try…trying counts too.)

My new goal is to get a financial advisor to help me cope with my finances…yes…I need someone to help me with my finances now that my husband is gone…he used to manage our retirement funds and keep up with our finances…I don’t have time to do this job within the 24 hours of my day…it is too overwhelming…but if I get a financial advisor…he or she will make me do more work…he or she will want me to keep track of all my spending…not sure how I can fit this assignment into my 24 hour day…will have to think about this goal before I hire a financial advisor.

And tonight I have to turn back the clock…lose an hour in my 24 hour day…I don’t like this change-over day…especially when every single minute…of every single day…is so important…so important when I have a fast-paced life…will have to see how I cope tomorrow…now what should I take off my ‘to do’list for Sunday?

Judi

I had a super duper Vitamin C extra special facial yesterday…and my face is glowing…yes…it is glowing. My enestician, Donna, used a line of treatments called Skinceuticals…they are supposed to improve the health and overall appearance of my skin…since this is the first time I had these wonderful products on my face…I’m looking forward to seeing their impact.

I was intriqued and pleased to hear that these miracle treatments are science-based and include vitamin C technology that protects the skin from signs of premature aging caused by environmental damage (I always knew the environment was hurting my skin…but I never realized how expensive it is to fix this problem…forget about global warming…I thought…what am I going to do about the skin on my face now that I am headed into the second half of my life…sounds like Skinceuticals to the rescue…Skinceuticals to the rescue.)

So I checked out the Skinceutical website…it is a nice website with lots of good information…their products are quite expensive for itty bitty amounts…so I may have to keep my vitamin C dosages on my face to once a month…when Donna does my facials…in between I think I’ll keep taking my vitamin C pill each morning…don’t know if it helps my skin…but I know it helps prevent colds…at least I feel like it does…so I’ll continue to take one tablet each morning…it may not be as good as the topical vitamin C…but it will have to do for now.

Judi

It’s February 29th…and I had an entire extra day…I had such plans for this extra Leap Year Day that only comes once every four years…and I blew it…I blew it all…I should have taken the day off…should have enjoyed my extra day on the calendar of my 50th year…and I didn’t…nope…I worked the entire day…and then some…when I should have been out enjoying myself.

Why…oh why…can’t I do better at goal setting and achieving my short term enjoyment goals…I need to heal…need to do more grieving…some days I feel like I am not letting myself grieve…some days I want to just let the shower run…or stay in a warm bath the entire day…or in bed…but I don’t…nope…I get up my strength…lift up those legs…raise up those arms…and keep my body moving forward.

How is it possible that more than two months ago my husband passed away…yes…how is it possible that more than two months have passed already…and I’m still trying to figure out what exactly happened…trying to come to terms with the fact that he is really gone…and not coming back…how oh how is this possible…I just cannot believe it…nope…some days I just don’t want to accept these changes…these changes that I never expected would happen in my 50th year…these changes that my Type A planner personality never planned for…nope…sometimes change just happens…it just happens…and we learn to cope…yes…when we’re in the moment…and we cannot climb out…we learn to cope.

This week in my bereavement group the subject was goal setting…this was especially fitting for my current frame of mind…we had to set some goals and then talk about them…there were four types of goals we had to set:

- shortest
- shorter
- short
- long

I liked these categories…there were no big hairy audacious goals…no big hairy audacious goals for me…or anyone who is grieving…just small short teeny tiny goals are okay…like relaxing more…even if it is an hour a day more than I did before…reading a magazine…then progressing to reading chapters in a book…then reading an entire book…(imagine that…reading an entire book in less than three weeks…wow…what a luxury.)

The goal guide said that my goals had to be ‘realistic’ and ‘measurable’…I guess I can measure how many pages I read each day (uh…today was none…but I promise tomorrow I will do better…today was an extra day anyway so today really didn’t count in the goal setting.)

There are also questions to answer as I set goals…like ‘who influences me?’…’how can I add to my life?’…’what can I eliminate from my life?’…or…’what kind of social life do I fancy?’

And then there was the final question on the page…the last question to answer…it was my favorite goal setting question…that’s because I can procrastinate on this question…I can procrastinate for several more leap years…maybe 10 more leap years before I contemplate the answer to this question…what is it you ask…here it is…I’m not quite ready to answer it…are you:

Pretend you are being interviewed on your 100th birthday by a reporter. How would you like to be remembered
“I’m only 50 years old,” I thought to myself…”I don’t have to answer this question yet…nope…I have another 50 more to go before I answer this goal…I think I can take a few more years to ponder my answer…and I will.”

Judi